I do know that we can lose our peace of mind when we're a mom. At some point, we just feel and know that things aren't anymore under our control. Maybe you understand what went wrong, perhaps you don't even recall the way that happened, how this routine made of tantrums and screams settled into your life. I think that the instant we are tempted to google "desperate mother", is when we feel like we have tried all kinds of things and that we're powerless and tired and maybe worried we might not love our child enough. It's a shocking thought, but it can happen too, it is a reality.
What I want you to do, dear desperate mother, is to look at things in perspective, take some time to think and understand that your child is a child, that he will not adapt himself to you if you do not change your own behavior, reactions, words. What you need is good communication skills, know which errors you make and what you can do to improve things. Being a desperate mother isn't a fatality because there's always a solution.
Here are my 5 crucial advices:
1 - Don't ever give in. Your child thinks in a simple way. When he gets what he wants by yelling or insisting, he'll keep acting the same way. When he realizes you don't give in, never change your mind when you make up your mind, he will have to accept it because then he will know that tantrums are useless.
2 - Speak with your child. Take that time. Value what he does, what he tells you, don't make him have to grab your attention by being annoying. Make clear to him what you do, what you feel, where you are taking him, how you expect him to behave. Talk to him about his bad behaviour during quiet moments, don't wait until the tantrum occurs to clarify that it's a bad attitude. Express compassion, even when you don't give in, tell him you understand his frustration or anger.
3 - Don't spank, stop yelling. Stay calm and always keep your voice down. Yes, as a desperate mother, it seems impossible and you are half-right, it can be pretty complicated but it's a essential advice I'm giving you here! The way your child reacts means that it's a way of expression he has chosen probably because you did not give or express any alternative. When you are mad at someone and begin quarrelling and that person remains very calm and talks in a quiet voice, what do you do? You calm down. When your kid screams, make sure he understands he has other alternatives, that he can express his emotions with words just like you. Same thing when he hits you or bites.
4 - Don't ever label your kid as a liar, a cheater, a bad child... You don't accept his behavior but you love him and you believe he can act differently. Make this clear or he may believe in that label and act on it for the rest of his life, just like the label "desperate mother" isn't going to help you understand and modify the situation.
5 - Be coherent and persistent. Reward a good behavior, clarify what is wrong and right. Make your child choose a good behaviour by showing him what it can bring to him, the trust you can put in him, the things you can share.
Were you expecting something more simple? Come on, parenting is not simple but with the proper communication tools, you can modify the situation, have your peace of mind back and your personnal life, have youngsters you can count on and trust. It is at your reach. You can go from a desperate mother to a glad one. A great number of dads and moms experienced that. I did. Good luck ! By Laura Kaine
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