Most parents expect more self-control and manners from older kids, says preteen and family psychologist Susan Bartell of Port Washington, NY. Practical reminders:
"Respect the rules, even ones different from ours."
Particularly at sleepovers, hosts appreciate it when your kid adheres to some sort of "bedtime," even if that doesn't mean actual sleeping (e.g., no loud video games or goofing around after midnight), and doesn't initiate no-no's like sneaking outside. And remember, says Bartell: "If your kid is wild at someone's house, the mom grapevine will know, and your child will stop getting invitations."
"Work it out."
When arguments occur -- which they will -- it's great if your kid can help figure out solutions. As with most skills, this one starts at home. "It may seem easiest to jump in and resolve conflicts between your own kids, but it's important that they figure out how to do so themselves. They'll really put these skills into practice away from home," says Smith.
"Turn down food politely."
Your child will score major guest points by saying just "No, thank you" if the mom offers a food he doesn't like.
By this age, kids who openly fuss about what they eat or make special requests are considered high-maintenance -- by parents and tweens. Encourage politeness at your own dinner table first, suggests Seattle parenting educator Elizabeth Pantley, author of The No-Cry Discipline Solution. "When your child says, 'Yuck! I hate this green stuff,' remind her: 'What I'd like you to say is, 'I'm not a fan of spinach, so no, thank you.' "
"Say hi and bye -- at least -- to your friend's parents."
"Your tween will be perceived as a really nice kid if she makes an effort to thank her friend's parents for having her over, and looks adults in the eye," says Bartell. If you're not sure, you might also ask the other parents what your child should call them, because there's no hard-and-fast rule these days.
As I was finishing this article, my 7-year-old, Flora, came back from a neighbor's house whining that the babysitter -- an adult with kids of her own -- wouldn't let her leave until she helped clean up the toys she and her friend had scattered around.
To everyone's shock, I called and thanked her. I don't want my daughter to think it's okay to leave a mess behind. I want her to be the kind of person who thinks about others -- and yes, I want her to leave her friends' homes with the parents (or the sitters) thinking, "Now, there's a nice kid."
If I could just get her to stop hounding her playmates' parents for Popsicles...and sandwiches...and chips....
by Teri Cettina
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